The Dragon's Den

Child's Play

2008-05-27T07:42:18Z

She had always told him everything. Things he wanted to know, and things he didn't. If he asked it of her, she shared, and if he didn't ask, she shared anyway. Sometimes he had to beg for an explanation from her, and other times her words poured from her mouth, as though she were a faucet that just couldn't be turned off.

It was an age old dance, certainly nothing new or original. It wasn't particularly foreign to her, nor did it seem to be strange territory to him. What was different for them however, was the raw vulnerability they shared with each other. They couldn't help themselves, and time and again she exposed her secrets to him, emotionally naked but unafraid. Time and again he opened himself to her, and let her see him at his weakest, even though he tried to hide it.

Their time spent together was always fleeting and she couldn't help but desire longer trysts, innocent as they were. There was no kissing and little touching, but it didn't matter to her. As much as she craved the physical with him, even if it were so simple as a chaste snuggle on her couch, she always delighted in his presence. His smile warmed her in a way that no flame ever could, and his laughter tickled her ears and caused her to become so bubbly she was sure she would overflow with her love for him.

He softened her.

She found it hard to maintain the cold and distance that she had become so practiced in, as every time he drew near to her, the ice barrier around her heart melted. The storm clouds that loomed overhead and dared to electrocute her with anger's lightning dissipated when he offered his hand in friendship, and the emptiness she felt within her soul was thwarted when he embraced her. She found her emotions to be utterly confusing and for the most part, wholly unwelcome. She did not appreciate such turmoil, and his nearness did nothing to clear her head, but the more she was forced to be away from him, the more she realized she'd rather feel the drugging effect of his presence than the withdrawal of being left without him. Such loss to her was unthinkable, which made what she was about to do that much harder.

While she was open and honest beyond anyone's true comprehension, even she had secrets...dark secrets that she wasn't sure should be shared with any living person. Especially him. How could she sully such perfect ears? How could she unload such torment?

She paced the length of her room for a few minutes before willing herself into the bathroom. A hot shower would free her mind and relax her body, and that was all she needed until she joined him in a few hours.

The water was near scalding, and in sluiced down her back in clear rivulets, teasing sensitive flesh. The steam that rose around her created a veritable sauna, and she could barely breathe, but she didn't much care. The lack of oxygen fogged her senses and she reveled in the heady feel of the faux high she was experiencing, swaying back and forth until she fell forward, catching herself on the shower wall. The dizziness was overtaking her and she knew she needed to get out soon, lest she blackout and drown herself. Still, she willed herself to stay a few more minutes and allowed the droplets to first burn her, and then cool her as the heat wore away.

It's about time...

2008-05-14T02:50:27Z

It's about time I blogged again. It's been a month, and I haven't written a single word in this journal. Haven't felt the desire.

The words are stagnant in my brain, molding in the dark recesses...lack of ventilation I'd wager.

School is over, just about everybody has gone home, and I'm bored to tears. I miss Big Bear. Thurber and I haven't really talked in a week. Almost everybody has started their summer jobs.
...I'm in summer school.

I'm dropping my English major. Tons of people have asked me why. They think it's a waste because I'm such a fantastic writer. Be that as it may, if I keep my major #1 it's a crap ton of work #2 it's too stressful #3 I'd have to take a professor I don't particularly care for at least 4 more times and #4...I don't need a college degree to write stories :-p

So, Dr. MacD, got any suggestions for english classes to take just to improve my writing, cause that's the way I'm thinking of going. I know it's disappointing for a few people, but it's not to me. It's just too stressful to do, and I'll never get out in four years if I double major.

I just can't handle it.

I feel bad, because everybody puts so much stock in my writing...but I just don't think it's for me.

The End

2008-03-13T07:22:32Z

Hey Thurber.

This isn't going to be comfortable for either of us, but it's been sitting for months, festering and waiting to boil over. There is so much we both need to say, and we need to say it before it destroys both of us.

I don't even know where to start.

What do you think of me? What do you see when you look at me? What's the first thing you thought when you met me?

I can tell you that I think the world of you, and when I look at you I see a purity that is unmatched by any other person I know, and the first thing I thought when I met you was (I openly admit) "God he's CUTE!"

Maybe I should start with the jealousy I'm feeling. I envy the time you spend with the quad, and when you're with Jessie, it absolutely kills me. I hate it that you always have time for the quad, but getting you to do something with me is like pulling teeth.

Am I that unbearable?

I make you nervous, and uncomfortable...I've a tendency to do that to people.

I feel like we've gone from here to here, and we're no longer connected. I know that you invite me to the Caf, but friendship is more than a lunch here or there. It's hanging out together....and we don't do that. We don't even have any pictures together...and it seriously bothers me.

There's pictures of you with the Quad, but none with you and I.

I know the pressure I put on you, and it's not fair. I want to give you space, but when you take that space I freak out, because I don't know how to handle it. I don't know what to do.

I love you. I love you in every way there is to love a person, and it terrifies me. But I need you to understand that I know we're just friends, and that you can't give me what I so badly want. I need you to understand that I accept the friendship because I can't lose you entirely, but the feelings won't just go away. I'll love you until I die probably, in all the ways I know how to love. That won't stop.

But you need to understand that I understand that a hug is just a hug. But I need the nearness of you. There are times when I want to give you a hug, but I don't out of fear that you'll recoil from me, and think that it's something more than it is. I want the closeness that nobody ever gives me. I'm desperate for it.

When you hug me, I know it doesn't mean "I have feelings for you," but you make me feel safe. I LIKE to be held, and to hide my face in your neck. I like it that you've held on to me longer lately, and just let me come down from my attacks.

I always think back to the first two I ever had in front of you, and how I cried, and how you just held me until I relaxed. You reassured me that you were there, and you let me cling to you as I shivered, and shook, and hid.

There is just so much Thurber, and I don't think I'll ever get it all out, but I love you, and I want what's best for the both of us, no matter what that is.

You're the best friend I've had...ever.

Broken Illuminations

2007-12-01T06:29:44Z

She wasn't a very happy girl. She hadn't been since she had been small. She was dark, and broody, angsty and anxious, intellectually intelligent and socially stupid.

And then she met him. The one.

He was smart, funny, quirky, quick on the draw, but slow to remember past happenings. He was talented in music, and enjoyed editing video. His favorite color was blue, and he harmonized with any and everybody he could find.

She studied him carefully, because he fascinated her. It was a rarity for the girl to find him unhappy, and if the boy wasn't his usual bouncy self, it wasn't because he was sad, but restless. Even in his restlessness, he was always cordial and wholly inviting, which is why he was almost never alone.

Overwhelming to him, surely.

Her constant watching and studiousness of his form and personality wasn't meant to be strange, but that was the way most people viewed it. After all, it was not normal to gaze at someone so intensely.

It bothered her that they made fun of her for it, but she was a creature of intellect. She needed to study to learn, for learning was one of the few things she enjoyed in life.

She loved how the boy's lips would pull back to reveal perfect teeth when he smiled, and she always took special note of his right canine as he did so. It was slightly darker than the rest, and thus her eye was drawn to it. His eyes would sparkle when he laughed, and whenever he stood to converse with others, if his hands were not shoved in his pockets, he would fidget with whatever was available to him.

The girl was always wholly amused by the boy's fidgeting, as it was a trait she herself carried. She could not help but point it out, as he would, at times, choose to manipulate the oddest objects. He would play with his own tie, or rub the cuffs of his jacket, and he was not above scratching at or counting the bricks of the walls. He'd thumb the papers stapled upon the bulletin boards or stroke his own fingers, and if he could find nothing else to futz with, he would pace.

The boy was an enigma.

He held within him a purity she had never known before, and she was absolutely positive that nobody else she would ever meet could match his holiness. She was even afraid to touch him, for she felt that this would sully his sacred form.

He was for looking, not touching. Sometimes she believed she wasn't even worthy of gazing at him. Longing for him.

The boy was incredibly patient, dealing with her quirks and wildly changing moods. She was like the seasons, her emotions cycling from summer to winter, all in a single day.

He did not mind. He took it all in stride, and with a grace that she hadn't even known existed.

In the warmth of her summer the boy laughed with her. In the panic of her fall, the boy held her to keep her safe from the wind and cold. In her winter, the boy coaxed her to share her frigid secrets, and offered to warm them with the fire of his heart. And, it was because of the boy that she found her spring, and rebirth.

The girl felt guilty that she put him through all that, for she was nothing more than shattered glass, waiting to slash him, and make him bleed. She was dangerous to the sacred child.

"I will break you," she had whispered to him.
"No, you will not break me. I promise," he had told her.
"I will! I will break you, because I am broken!" she had cried, her breath caught in her chest.
"You are not broken, you are wonderful," he had replied gently.

She had believed him then. She couldn't bring herself to think that he would lie to her. The boy had never lied to her before. The boy kept her safe, and made her feel wanted.

And that made her hurt all the more.

Everyday she saw him was torturous to her, for she could not touch his face, the way she so longed to do. To caress his jaw, and thumb the scar that resided on his chin. She could not hug him the way she needed and wanted to hug him. It was not an option to do so. She could not press her forehead to his, and share with him every secret and hurt she had ever experienced. She could not hear every secret and hurt he had ever experienced, because those words were not meant for her ears.

Her heart broke every time she saw the boy, for he was the light in her darkness, a beacon in the fog of her consciousness, but he was not something to be possessed, and could not belong to her. Her stomach twisted in knots every time her brown eyes met his, and she saw kindness and compassion, instead of the usual repulsion and disgust.

Her entire body wept every time she left him, for it hurt her more to be without him. Even though she burned and her entire being was in agony being so near to him, she felt herself dying when he was away.

But the girl was being selfish. The boy needed time away from her, and she felt it. Forcing herself to acquiesce to his silent request was impossible for her, and she knew the only way to save him was to keep herself away. He did not have to say anything. He was too kind to say anything, unaware that it was ok to be selfish at times.

It was not fair.

The boy was her light, her hope, her faith. He was her shelter, her food, and her water. He was a part of her life.

The girl always felt sick to look at him, for she wanted to spirit him away, just for a few hours, and have time with just the two of them. Just time to talk and be normal with somebody. She wanted him to notice her, the way others were noticed, but she knew better. She was wrong for him, even though he made her better than she knew she could be.

She loved the boy.

She was not in love with the boy, but it was not the placid platonic love she had felt before either. But the girl was not one to say "I love you." She had trouble enough admitting to the boy that she needed him.

It was all she could do that night not to cry when she had admitted to him that she was broken. It was all she could do not to throw herself into his body and scream "I HATE YOU!" because she loved him. It was all she could do not to collapse in his arms and cry at the utter unfairness of it all.

She swallowed her feelings. The big black mass of love, hate, anger, need, and desire. She had to. She would lose him if she didn't.

She could lose him anyway.

He was becoming the other half of her soul, melding his spirit with hers. She felt him bandaging her wounds, closing the emotional holes that others had created. The boy was healing her. He was mending her from the inside out.

She would break it. She was a saboteur, and could not help herself. She was getting too close, and she was afraid.

She wrote stories for him, and music, though she didn't know why. She was not something to be noticed, and she didn't want to talk about such feelings, for she could not have that talk anymore. The talk that told her why it wouldn't work, or couldn't work. The talk that gently told her she was unwanted again.

Unwanted because she was broken. Nobody wants something broken. It has no worth, and no use.

She would hurt her other half before he could hurt her. Before she could hurt him more than he would ever hurt her. It was all painful...excruciating, but she did not know what else to do with herself.

She knew even as she wrote that it would make or break the fragile friendship that had been cultivated. She knew that it was the endgame, and would test the bond that had been forged.

She knew that this could break the illumination that the boy had created in her life.

She knew, and now he knows.

Jackie's ass is poor

2007-06-16T03:35:06Z

Ok so really I just decided I needed to update my effing livejournal.

Long story short, my ass is broke, I have just enough dog good to last me a month or so, but I'm like, strapped for cash.

I really don't panic about money until I'm low on dog food, because I don't need to. But damn it I need a job (as much as I don't want one because they suck and my mother will fucking piss and moan no matter what I do).

That is all.

Who's awesome? Xephie's awesome!

2007-05-31T00:03:19Z

I've lost a ton of weight...so I went out today, and charged myself a little happy.

I haven't been able to wear a bikini in 14 years.

Eat your heart out, bitches xD

http://www.fluffyrat.net/wildfyre/Yay!.gif

My face hurts

2007-05-12T06:31:56Z

Because I'm smiling so damn much ^_^

Jon called again. Did his IM from the cell phone, told me he was calling. This time, things were quite normal, and there was no pre phonecall follies (thank God).

He just needed to vent about shit and what not, and I finally FINALLY know what we really are. We're really good friends that mess around a bit.

I am totally happy with that xD

It's SO nice being out of limbo, and understanding what our relationship is. I'm much happier *dances*

We talked for awhile, and I learned that 2 hours is the battery limit for my cell phone (it started beeping around an hour and twenty), but this time we managed to hang up with each other before my phone just dropped out and died.

It's good to know he trusts me so much. I just hope he knows how much I trust him. I love him to death. That will never change. I just have to work on transforming being in love to just loving, but to be honest, that shouldn't be too difficult.

I still have him and I have what I want, and the fact that he's called me twice in the last couple weeks pleases me greatly. I love his voice, and listening to him talk. I don't mind him venting to me.

He apologized if he made me feel as crappy as he does now, when he left. I didn't ever think I really needed the apology, but it would seem I did, because it's like this massive burden was lifted from me when he said it.

I read his other LJ post again, and he told me a bit more about some stuff. No jealousy. I know where and what we are, so now there's no reason for me to be jealous and upset. Awesomeness.

I'm hoping I get to see him this summer or something, get to know him a bit better than I do, and sate my curiosity of him (He is a bit mysterioso yet ^_^).

I'm in a good mood, and it's not the normal super bouncy crazy "OMGJONCALLED!" mood. It's this odd sort of peace....serenity.

I love you Lobo, and I'm always about when you need me. Dunna be forgetting that.

^_^

2007-04-27T22:38:26Z

Spent the afternoon with Canada...I feel good. Things transpired. It was awesome

<3 Canada

I also have new pictures of me, because I was in a rare "Dude, I'm pretty darn good looking!" mood.

Eat your heart out xD

Soundtrack of My Life - ....wow

2007-04-24T05:21:21Z

OPENING CREDITS: Canon in D - Johann Pachelbel
WAKING UP: In the Morning - YMCA - The Village People (Oh my word...)
FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL: Blue - Eiffel 65
FALLING IN LOVE: King of New York - Newsies Soundtrack (....there are no words)
FIGHT SONG: What'd I Say? - Ray Charles (Yeah Baby xD)
BREAKING UP: It's Gonna Be Me - NSync (I'm not sure what to think of this)
PROM: PRetty Fly For A Rabbi - Weird Al Yankovic (Oh you have GOT to be kidding!)
LIFE: Mad Russian Christmas - Trans-Siberian Orchestra (Ok, that's just cool)
MENTAL BREAKDOWN: Feeling Hot Hot Hot - Trinidad Steel Drum Band (There's a cruel irony)
DRIVING: Springtime for Hitler (Part 1) - The Producers Soundtrack
FLASHBACK: All That Jazz - Chicago Soundtrack
WEDDING: Unbreak My Heart - Toni Braxton (...that doesn't bode well for me)
BIRTH OF CHILD: Love Potion #9 - Rockapella (no comment)
FINAL BATTLE: The Rubberband Man - The Spinners (WTF!?)
DEATH SCENE: The Rhyming Song - The Muppets (oh...my...god)
FUNERAL SONG: All The Things She Said - Tatu (My funeral song is THIS?! About two lesbians?! WTF!?)
END CREDITS: Play That Funky Music (White Boy) - KC and the Sunshine Band (Oy vey...)

I spent the day with Canada

2007-02-12T01:48:37Z

That's right, WITH Canada, not IN Canada. Though mentioned earlier, I will explain again who Canada is. Canada is my friend Craig...Craig is Canadian. There's a whole story behind it but I don't feel like getting into it right now. Just know that Canada is a person, not the country ^_^

Anyway, after schutzhund today (which I shouldn't have been participating in since my ankle is broken), I went down the block a ways, and met Canada at the entrance to his dorm. He's a housefellow (ooo, muy importante), and thus has his own room, which is a good thing.

We had lunch (well, he did....I was too nervous to eat with all the people around), and then we went back to his dorm room for some rounds of Duck Hunt (I got my ass handed to me) and Mortal Kombat III (I totally whooped him). After that, we watched some Tivo'd SNL and Seinfeld. All the while I got what I wanted most from today....Canadian snugglies.

The thing I like most about Craig is that I can just...laze around with him. He lets me rub his fingers and snuggle, and hug on him, and sometimes, he even rubs my fingers back. It's nice.

I really don't know what I'd do without the bugger.

Realization #4 - I'm going to New York this summer and I'm terrified

2007-02-11T04:53:20Z

Well...read the headline. What it says! A friend of mine invited me, and thus, I am going. I plan on seeing her and a couple other people, that, entity willing, will want to see me.

I'm scared shitless.

I will be by myself, in this big place I've never been to, and for the first time ever....my dog won't be traveling with me. I'm sure that sounds uber retarded to those that don't really know me, but my dog tends to be my safety net, because, let's face it, who wants to fuck around with a girl that has a 90 pound German Shepherd attached to her hip?

You know what scares me more? That my friends won't LIKE me. That and I'm absolutely terrified that my....odd behaviors will be exceptionally off putting. If you're reading, konw this now, because it's pertinent information:

I tic when I'm nervous....most times quite badly. I'm not having a seizure, I just need to take a break and chill out. I hate it for what I would think are obvious reasons. It's embarrassing, it calls attention to myself, and it's just another thing that makes me stand out as awkward.

I'm a cool person, but I'm also a worrier. I don't need constant reassurance, but it's nice to hear that I'm doing ok and that you don't totally hate my guts. I have a lot more to say, but I think I'll hold off on saying it for awhile.

Realization #3 - One letter can change what a word means

2007-02-10T23:48:53Z

Have you ever noticed that if you take one letter out of certain words, they become rather benign? Kind of like those models on the wrestling shows, that have on those teeny bikinis? It's like one of those "it's not a breast until you see a nipple!" kind of things.

Words such as darling, honey, sweetheart, even love, can transform into something that is almost meaningless, while at the same time you use them for words of compliment, and terms of endearment.

I use darlin' and love a lot personally, and since most of my friends are male, I've noticed the importance of how I use those words. Darlin' is what I use most often, as I find it enables me to convey my affection for that particular person without (perhaps) encroaching on their emotional space. It means something and nothing all at the same time.

I know that the moment I use darling on a specific one of the bunch, chances are he's going to freak out about it. He just is. That's his personality. So I keep up with omitting that 'g'. I just find it so incredibly fascinating that dropping a single letter, or calling someone "Dearest" instead of "Sweetheart" changes the tone of how one verbally gives affection.

Of course, I often react the same way. One of my friends called me darling one day instead of darlin', and my reaction was to blush, and my affection for that person grew ten fold for the time being. His tone was the same as it always was...nothing had changed about his usage of the word, save for him adding that simple little letter. It is subtleties like that that allow relationships to grow and flourish, or perhaps disintegrate and die.

There are also phrases that can be rendered harmless by adding or subtracting a word. For example 'What's up baby?" seems a bit more serious, than "Hey baby girl," which feels...warmer. More affectionate. Change the y to "eh" and it is a simple word, meaning no more than " 'Sup?"

Words are extremely powerful things. I always had this knowledge, but never made the connection a realization. One certainly does have to be careful with them.

Realization #2 in series - Relationships are hard to keep up with

2007-02-10T23:48:11Z

Relationships (and I mean ALL relationships, not just romantic ones) are complicated things. There's a lot of work required to make them stick and what not.

Jacqueline Jean Short, is not good with relationships.

I have this undeniable need for affection. We all do. However, I tend to (or feel I do) want/need it more than others around me. This is contradicted by the fact (known to a select few), that I try and distance myself from people as much as possible, emotionally speaking.

I always want to be physically touching somebody (always male...I get really nasty with other girls at times), but I can't stand it when they touch me...I feel incredibly uncomforotable....small. Obviously this leads to quite a quandry.

There are men I desire (two in particular, but it doesn't matter who), who, through all reasonable logic, keep their distance from me...emotionally speaking. I know I'd like more, but I tend to push way too hard when I'm seeking something. I just end up in this mindset of HAVING to know, that it sets me on the verge of an anxiety attack every time. And then, beyond that, I get pissy, because they aren't offering things of themselves of their own volition...it has to be prompted.

Falling back for a moment on the general relationship side, there are a lot of people I'd like to be closer to. Fear of rejection keeps me away from them. Nobody likes rejection, this is normal enough....but for me, it's like somebody has ripped out my heart, run a hook through it, and used it for spear fishing. I absolutely...cannot....sta
nd...it.

I am an extremely social person, contrary to the persona I tend to put out of wanting to be alone. I hate being alone. Loneliness lends too much time to thinking, and when I think, I OVERthink, and THAT is when bad bad things happen. I brood, I end up depressed, melancholy, and earnest, and it adds to my admittedly pessimistic attitude.

By the way, I would like to note that I AM a pessimist. Always have been always will be. I have a more positive outlook than I used to, but seriously, don't get on me about it...that's just part of my personality. What can I say, I've got flaws. I'm only human.

I LOVE to be with people...individually. In groups I get exceptionally nervous (even with people I know rather well), and this makes social interaction a lot more difficult for me, as I do things that freak people out (I tic...sometimes very very badly). I guess what bothers me is that people don't realize I am really a normal person...there are just some abnormal things about me I can't control (like the tics).

And now...romance. It is such a biznatch. I've had one boyfriend in my life (and I greatly enjoyed my time with him...heck, I think I'm going to get back together with him), and we lasted 16 months. There wasn't even supposed to BE a relationship. It just happened.

My problem is that I am stuck on these guys...these two guys who are absolutely AWESOME and that I know that I can't have. It drives me up a wall. Some of you might think you know who they are, some of you DO know who they are. Either way, we're not going to mention names or otherwise talk about them, because really, it doesn't do anybody a bloody bit of good.

I should be able to just, shove them out of my life in some respect, but I've found I just can't do it. I feel utterly lost and incomplete without one (and I shouldn't, because I don't know near what I WANT to know and I can't force him to share), and the other is just a pretty big piece of me (and I know that even he's not aware how big a piece).

One I know I'm in love with, the other? I love him dearly. I could deal with him being just a friend my entire life, as long as he's around in some capacity.

Man, my body has left high school, but it's like my psyche is still there.

A series of realizations - #1 of many

2007-02-10T23:44:02Z

You know, the bonus of not having any of my friend friends (as in, the people who actually KNOW me in real life), is that I can say pretty much anything I want. At least until they all realize that Jackie has a facebook and she can now be harrassed in yet another place :-p

Anyway, the next few entries are of realizations I have made about myself, and the people around me. They're not going to mean much to anybody but myself of course, but hey, doesn't really matter, does it?

Realization #1 and possibly the most important one - I am actually a pretty cool and attractive girl. I'm not tall, I'm not skinny, I don't have long flowing hair. Basically, I am not of the model build that so many men seem to want. I am surprised to find that I am finally ok with that.

I'm not a tiny girl. I'm 5'6 and I weigh around 180. I don't LOOK 180, but I am. So I'm a big girl. So what? Almost my entire life (even now still, at times), I've been called all sorts of horrendous things. There were fat jokes, and fat BLACK jokes, and all sorts of horrid things. At age 5, I already knew how cruel and terrible people could be. At age 12, that knowledge was reconfirmed in middle school, with people looking down at me because I wasn't the fastest in the sprint groups. At age 17...well, we won't discuss age 17.

But looking back, those things they said...they didn't matter...don't matter. At age 5 I was reading at a second grade level. I was always ahead of the other kids in my class, and I actually had the TEACHER looking up words I wanted to spell (becuase I could spell them and she couldn't). I was often sent ahead to the second and third grade classes so I could spend my reading time with them and be challenged, rather than be stuck reading "Dick and Jane" books.

At age twelve, I was entered in piano competitions out the yang. Why? Because, while many don't know it, I was (Still am according to many) quite the piano prodigy. I still write my own music. I love it...adore it...more than dogs even (and I adore my dog sports). I find solace in it I was also a huge writer...poetry mostly. I won several writing competitions, got all sorts of awards and stuff for that.

At age 17, there wasn't anything particularly spectacular about me. I was a geek in the marching band, I was the nerd that spent as much time as possible in the band room (perfecting pieces of music I'd written, and percussion parts I was given), I was the freak who hated homecoming, the loser who didn't go to prom. All those things. I didn't stand out in high school...I was white noise. Obnoxious to some, but for the most part unimportant.

High school was absolute hell. I hated practically every minute of it. Even band near the end (the teacher I had the last two years was just...there are no words). Don't get me wrong...I still loved music. You can't take that away from somebody. Nothing you ever truly love can ever be taken away from you.

I applied to three colleges, all with wonderful music programs. I was accepted into every single one (one of those colleges was Lawrence...pretty prestigious from what I know). I didn't go. Something a few know about me...not many, but a few, is that high school resulted in a mental breakdown my junior year. Shocker right? I couldn't take it anymore. The pressure of needing to pick a college, taking the ACTs, trying to prepare for performance exams (music major)...it was too much, and I finally just buckled.

I couldn't go through that again with college. So....I didn't go. Do I regret the decision sometimes? Sure. But for the wrong reasons. I regret not going to school to stay with my friends a few years more, I regret not exploring a bit more....but I don't regret not going for any reasons other than those.

I'm in TC full time now, to pursue a career in medical transcription. I absolutely detest it, but I promised myself I'd finish something for a change. So, I'm trudging through it, hoping I can finish and just have a career that can fund my dog habit.

There are a lot of things about me that people don't know that I WANT them to know. There are lots of things about me that I don't know about myself that I need to discover. There are people that I need to say "I love you" to, if I can ever figure out when and how. And there are things I need to do with my life...I just need to figure out what they are.

Carpe diem, right?